Blowing my mind into a million little peices…

So I did my last chakra (Kundalini) dance class last night. Christy the facilitator, said I looked extra light that night–I hadn’t felt that special before I left the house, but as soon as I arrived at the class I was overcome by some mysterious happiness! I really did feel good. Maybe it was the great yoga class in the morning, maybe it was because I ate so “lite” that day–it been a few months since I replaced drinking coffee-with-gobs-of-cream, to lots of, mostly green or herbal teas; weeks since I stopped eating wheat and meat….(well I still eat a little meat here and there–its all about moderation too!) But she was the 3rd person in a week to say that I was looking somehow “brighter-Lighter-healthier-happier” or something like that… Great to hear as I approach that 42nd birthday…

Now its time to fill in a little history, I will talk a bit about Paul…he used to be made of water, he drank tons of it and nothing else–his mouth used to taste so watery…he used to mountain bike incessantly, skillfully and frightfully—he is true dare devil. in 2007 he got into a minor car accident, being rear ended and suffered whiplash…this was at a critical time in the development of our business as we were opening up the first season to do weddings….well this just put us into a tailspin, he was in great pain, we lost plenty of money and mind in the couple of years to follow…him being down and out, really put a funk in me to–with having to take care of all the workers, my 1 year old, the tax auditors, the new wedding business, my ailing husband, money troubles and general malaise that was coming over me due to the dwindling compassion and passion between us. It was looking like all was lost and I was almost ready to throw in the towel (a couple of times…)

Paul had become terribly lethargic, and his addiction to TV, cigarettes, alcohol, over eating and anything else that held out a promise of momentary escape…became worse and worse. His mood became so gloomy, he talked of nothing else but his problems (to people whose lot was alot less than ours!) I couldn’t stand US anymore…we could not communicate, we could not stay on the same groove for more than minutes at a time…Paul seemed to me a spinning top, his energy completely scattered, his restlessness permeated his presence–his unhappiness was a cloud that hung over him–in the meantime I was losing all zest for life, was feeling old, over-worked, overstressed, under appreciated, misunderstood, out-of-control and totally unfun.

Spring 2009 I started reading yoga and within weeks I saw the light–truly I had a spiritual awakening…well I realized that I had seen it before, so it didnt take much for me to snap out of my delusions of misery and start to realize the blessings that I truly had…well, finally I had a moment to reflect–and thats what I needed–that what everyone needs–reflection is very important.

Paul went to Holland in November, and I took that time to think whether I was going to ask him to move out when he returned…I had been changing for more that 6 months, but paul had been stuck in his old habits, practically oblivious to the changes–in fact, he would often respond really negatively to any benign interaction with me–that’s when I started thinking–he’s a lost cause–he can’t hear me, he can’t see me…he only hears and sees what he believes–no matter what I say….then he came home from Holland with a fresh set of eyes.

He really tried to understand what yogic philosophy I could relay to him and he seemed to understand what I was talking about…then he came up with the great idea to do subject himself to a 30 day hot yoga challenge, even though he had only tried it once before in march 2009 and totally hated it and me–for suggesting it.  This idea was revolutionary–and I was totally excited about the prospect of it. Weeks passed and pauls enthusiasm waned, dwindled and died. I stopped talking about it…

So up till a few weeks ago, Paul was much the same as described above…except that things have defintely been getting better between us–mostly because I had taken my yoga studies so seriously, and have voraciously read every yoga book I could find; and since our season came to a close last September, I have been faithfully practicing  Hatha Yoga ( posture practice)  in earnest 3 to 4 day a week at a hot yoga studio (my prefered method of practice)…AND get this, Paul said that yoga was working wonders for me–I was much easier to live with…I was thinking yoga was working wonders   “its much easier to live with Paul”–in truth it was both.  I had increased my happiness, my patience, my detachments, lessened my need to control…and could watch paul from a distance, instead of getting quagmired with him in his emotional baggage, ensnared into dramas, or deflated because of his lethargy. I was able to take a:  sit back and see what unfolds…type of attitude that was impossible for me before.   I was on a path…and the path was good.

It seems the signs were there….

"stay on the path" sign for the Island

one of the two new signs I made last summer

Inukshuk sign: "I have been here before and the path is good"

the other sign I made in 2009




In January Paul once again decided he would do the yoga challenge as he could see I was really finding my happiness and peace with my practice. I was elated as he dedicated himself without grumbling to 9 straight days of yoga–he loved it, his eyes became bright, his skin was glowing, he was calm, thoughtful and sensitive, his mojo was back–what a change–what a revolution!!!  happiness, peace, health, abundance, bliss…its all coming together!

…then he hurt his back–putting Ginger into time-out.

The Chiropractor suggested he take a few days off…after a couple of days, I kindly asked him if he was going back tomorrow–and he rammed his head down my throat to be sure I heard him say “I’ll go back when I feel ready and I dont want any pressure from you, so back off!” well….somebody needs yoga again….

So 12 days pass, yesterday Paul hits up his first class again, I went in the morning and he in the afternoon–then I did that last kundalini-chakra dance class–the one where I looked “light” and felt so happy. It was good, perhaps my happiness was from seeing paul return to yoga and seeing him have that glow again!

Later last night I witnessed thee most EXTRAORDINARY thing I have ever seen Paul do–and I have seen him do some pretty amazing stuff!!

Paul and I started hanging out, chatting  on the couch (no tv on, just internet radio SOMA FM: “suburbs of goa”)—then the THEE most remarkable thing happened…Paul was starting to have an anxiety attack, so he stood up to do some stretching, then he did this really beautiful series of flow yoga postures in front of me for about 20 minutes and then sat cross-legged and went into a deep meditation, in the middle of the living room floor for a solid hour….IT WAS THE MOST REMARKABLE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN HIM DO!!

he sat perfectly still. no tv. no restlessness.

He has never done anything  like that in front of me–EVER. (the new age indian music really seemed to be taking him away…)
I sat and just watched him for the whole hour (I cried a bit-smiled alot) and thought, holy cow, I really am CHANGING this household… it is like EVERYTHING I want is totally starting to happen…it blew my mind into a million little peices!!!!!  REALLY. truly.

I am still sweeping up the remnants from the living room floor.

It occured to me during my bewildered observation of Paul that I have a “calling to teach and promote yoga (philosophy and as an activist, not asana/postures per se)” …but,  I suddenly realized that I can totally see Paul becoming the asana teacher, and us working in conjunction–very harmoniously.

When he came out of his meditation he said:  that he sees himself as if he has been given this big tool (our property/business) a bigger tool than most people have at their disposal…and that we have to do something with it…how blessed we are when others are suffering (he’s been cying alot for the children/people in haiti) and he wants to do something remarkable with this tool…he said he needs to step out of the darkness and into the light…

wow, I think I might have just witnessed his total spiritual awakening!


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